What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:12
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
What is something brutally honest that needs to be said?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do I get spun and then want big fat cocks to suck?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why is there so much hate against black people?
We were not on the streets..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Can you describe what it's like to live in a town known for Harley Davidson motorcycles?
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was seconnd youngest,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
All the time i was locked up.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i lived it daily.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What did i know ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She loved him until the end.